Could you write your own eulogy?
Tyrades! by Danny Tyree
Serendipity strikes.
While I was struggling to motivate myself to write about a company that will turn your life story into a keepsake book, based on the answer to 50 questions (questions which I hope are more insightful than the ubiquitous “Hot enough for ya?,” “Think it’ll rain?,” “Finished with the sports section?” and “Was that you or the dog?”), I stumbled across something even catchier.
I discovered the book “I Wrote My Own Eulogy: The Art of Appreciating Your Own Life.”
I can understand the appeal of looking at the Big Picture and sharing your self-reflection with loved ones, but writing your own eulogy isn’t for everyone.
I mean, if you have spent your lifetime struggling to compose fake school absence excuses, “What I did on my summer vacation” essays, personalized wedding vows and brief “thank you” notes, you may fail ignominiously while summarizing your blessings and accomplishments. (“Geoffrey couldn’t write this eulogy for himself because he was busy … keeping Bigfoot away from the house! Yeah, that’s the ticket! Signed, Geoffrey’s late mother.”)
If you do accept the challenge of eulogizing yourself, there’s no time like now to start. But take a tip from the news organizations that write obituaries for still-living celebrities so they’ll have a head start when the celeb does kick off. You’ll need to keep it updated.
No self-respecting friend or relative wants to stand up and read, “I hope David Cassidy and Bobby Sherman don’t get into a fight at my funeral. If I weren’t already dead, I would die of embarrassment from making the front cover of ‘Tiger Beat’ magazine.”
Anyway, here are a few of the best self-written eulogy excerpts I’ve uncovered:
“As you know, I’m a man of few words. I just wish my vocabulary had included the words ‘Don’t throw the toaster into my bathtub, you crazy…”
“One thing I learned in life was to slow down and live in the moment. Of course, sometimes you DIE in the moment. Moments can be real &%$#@.”
“I always tried to maintain a good sense of humor. I wish I had passed it on to my children. Kids, you know I was joking about cremation, right? Kids? Kids?”
“I’m proud to have raised three beautiful children. I’ve never gotten over their good looks, considering how homely my side of the family is and how homely my wife’s side of the family is and… hey! That smooth-talking Amazon delivery guy better not be sitting in the family section at this funeral!”
“I would like to think my presence made the world a slightly better place. Okay, maybe not France. I mean, what can you do with France? Am I right?”
“I’ve lived a life that’s full… I traveled each and every highway. And more, much more than this…hey! I thought being dead protected you from the Copyright Police!”
“Yeah, I grew up in poverty and I bounced from jail to jail, but I’d like to think I turned out okay – except for the part about forgetting to put on my parachute before skydiving…”
Fifteen years ago, I turned down an invitation to eulogize Uncle Amos because I (rightly) felt other family members knew him better and could do a better job.
But I know myself remarkably well, so maybe I’ll try this self-eulogy thingie.
“Finished with the sports section? Then read my posthumous column, doofus!”
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Copyright 2026 Danny Tyree, distributed by Cagle Cartoons newspaper syndicate.
Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”
Copyright 2026 Danny Tyree, All Rights Reserved. Credit: Cagle.com
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