ArcaMax

Dear Eric: My wife is retired and does the majority of grocery shopping and cooking. For the past year or so she has also insisted on packing me a lunch to take to work.

I’m a teacher and bringing lunch has been part of my daily routine for years (there’s no time in the school day to go out to lunch). She packs things like soups, salads or leftovers from dinner the night before. This is very generous and I appreciate that she wants to help make my workweek a little easier.

Sometimes, she even makes hand-held breakfasts to go!

I’ve never asked for help with meal prep but we’ve just sort of fallen into this routine. While I always express my gratitude, what I haven’t said is that I sometimes find hair in my meals. My wife’s hair is distinctive looking; it’s longish, curly and grey.

I don’t want to be critical or seem ungrateful, but it’s pretty unappetizing. What’s your advice for how to communicate about this without hurting her feelings?

– A Hairy Predicament

Dear Hairy: I’m curious if you find hair in the dinners she makes as well or just the lunches. I suppose it’s moot, but you might employ a different strategy if this was related more broadly to kitchen hygiene practices.

But let’s assume it’s just about lunch. I honestly think that the easiest course of action would be to pick out the hair and move on. However, I am empathetic to the fact that we can’t always control what makes us lose our appetites, nor whether that appetite comes back. If your wife’s kind gesture isn’t having the desired impact, it’s fine to pivot.

You can do this indirectly by telling her you appreciate how much help she’s providing with grocery shopping and cooking, and you have appreciated the lunches, but you’d like to pack them yourself again. You can assure her that this isn’t about the quality of the lunches (outside of the hair, it seems they were quite wonderful).

Or you can do this directly by expressing the same level of gratitude but also mentioning that you’ve noticed hairs on occasion. You might ask if she’s noticed it, too. If she hasn’t, a solution might be as simple as asking her to keep an eye out.

Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our 70s. He is kind and generous to me and has no problem with buying me expensive gifts. We don't go out very often, but when we do, he often will blow his top when he sees what food or tickets to an event cost, even when I offer to pay my share.

He then makes a public scene, and I worry that someone will call security. He doesn't yell at the employees but turns his ire on me.

When I try to reason with him, he says he's going to just leave me wherever we are (he never has). I've learned not to engage with him when he gets to this point, and I calmly tell him I'll just take the bus home, and I pull out my phone and start scrolling. He calms down fairly quickly and always apologizes, but I'm left shaken, as well as angry and disappointed because he has spoiled what I thought might be a good time.

I then resolve to only come back to the "offending" establishment with my friends and leave him at home. Sometimes, I try to talk to him beforehand and remind him that the prices will be high and I walk him through what might be a better reaction, and I ask him to make suggestions about what would make him more comfortable. It's exhausting for me, but it works once in a while. Is there anything else I can do, like learn to let this roll off my back?

– Married to a Cranky Old Coot

Dear Married: Good on you for trying to have a reasonable conversation with him. His inability or unwillingness to amend his behavior is a major cause for concern, however. Blowing up at you and making threats about leaving you is emotionally abusive behavior. Consider talking to a friend or a therapist about other aspects of his behavior to see if there are other places where you’re having to deal with outbursts or manipulative actions.

Right now, he isn’t deserving of the privilege of going out with you. Explain to him that these outbursts aren’t just embarrassing, but they’re emotionally abusive and make you unsafe. Tell him that you won’t be going out with him at all until he talks to a counselor and comes up with a plan to control his emotions. He then needs to demonstrate that the plan is working and you’re safe before you can go out again.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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